Carolyne's Biography

In 2002 I had a spiritual awakening which would change the course of my life forever.  My life would never be the same again. I had all of a sudden entered into a world of paranormal phenomena and have never been so frightened in all my life.

It was this event, which set me on course to begin the healing process of many years of trauma and abuse. Little did I know the effects of my childhood had scarred me far more than I realised and created dysfunction in myself that I never knew existed to extremes I have seen.

Being brought up in the suburbs of Johannesburg, fear was rife in our lives and the society in which we lived. The main influence of people in my life from a very early age helped to establish deep-rooted problems with the way I viewed the world. This distortion set a tale of events through many years to come that would leave me no choice but to survive the best way I could. Learning, using and utilising defective character traits to get me through the most extreme of circumstances.

Moving to England at a young and impressionable age tore my life apart. It was as if arriving in the UK was likened to landing on an alien planet and I struggled with the change of environment, new surroundings and new people. I was angry and missed home so very much. This anger festered inside of me and added fuel to the creation of events that followed.  My parents were too in survival mode, busy with their own problems and not available to listen and support me. I was alone. I was scared and wounded.

Due to this anger, loneliness and pain I went to a school where bullying was rife. I was punched, verbally abused and scolded every day of my school life. I wanted so desperately for someone to listen, to love me, to hear me. No one was there. I ran across the school field at age 15years, terrified for my life and refused to ever return back. All this set me on course for a drug problem, which helped me to escape the hell in which I lived. The drugs were the only escape for me at the time and this problem became worse and lasted many years. To feed my addiction I stole money and sold my new clothes and shoes. I had no idea how bad it got. It is only now as I type this that I wonder how I am still here.

The hell at home with the arguments, physical and emotional abuse I witnessed from my Dad to my Mum was indeed very painful. The pressure was too much for us all. I did my best to avoid home at all costs as I knew as soon as I entered the doors what I would witness. Dad was an alcoholic and spent much of his time on the sofa smoking 40 cigarettes’ a day. Meanwhile Mum did her best to put food on the table, which meant with three jobs, she was never home.  Having an alcoholic Dad was hard work and scary when he got angry. No a day went by with out shouting and screaming in our house. Dad would have Mum by her throat; threatening her and I would cower in my bedroom praying like hell that she would be safe. I witnessed some terrible abuse to my Mum over many years. I lived on tender hooks, which meant I became with drawn and a nervous wreck. The emotional neglect took its toll on me.

At age 16 I was raped. The man that raped me also tried to kill me on several occasions. He was obsessed with me. I never spoke of this rape until a few months ago, as I believed that I deserved it for the bad person that I was. This abused set me up for a many failed relationships attracting only people that would make me feel cheap and even worse about myself. I actually believed in the end that I was only good for one thing. I wanted so desperately to be loved, to be noticed, and to be heard. Knowing that I was a good-looking girl I believed that all I had going for me was my body and looks. This was the only way I knew to be loved. Little did I know that this was stripping my soul more and more.

I often contemplated suicide. I knew that no one would notice that I was missing. No one would care if I was not around anymore. In fact, I figured that if I killed myself I would no longer be a hassle to my family. I had become very angry indeed and spent most of my years shouting to try to get people to see, to listen and to love me. So, I cut my wrists, took painkillers and when none of that worked I simply took more drugs.

At age 18 I fell pregnant which was the biggest shock of my life. I was terrified and called my Mum straight way. I cant really remember too much of what happened there after. All I remember was that I had no counselling, no real support. My Dad was horrified and did not want to know about it. I felt that I had let him down. A weight that bared heavy on my heart. My Mum strongly recommended an abortion. Being so young and so scared I went along with my Mum’s recommendation and the guilt of that act haunted me for many years to come.

I began to suffer from sever panic attacks in my early twenties. At first I did not know what they were. They got more and more severe as time passed by and as a result I became agoraphobic and could not leave the confines of my small flat for months. I was unable to function in society anymore. Unable to purchase a simple thing like a pint of milk. I was on my knees. By this point my Mum and Dad had parted ways and eventually divorced. That in it’s self was traumatic and the mental state of my Dad worsened.  I would get phone calls in the middle of the night, him talking of suicide often. How I survived is anyone’s guess. The anxiety grew.

The pain that I have carried around from these events and many more, to many to type in this short bio, left me broken and shattered into tiny pieces. The ill effects of these events distorted my vision of myself and the world. I can only liken the vision I see through my eye’s to the mirrors that you find at fair grounds. Looking at illusions of myself and the a mis-shaped world in which I lived. My self-esteem had been so severely battered and the entirety of my being riddled in uncontrollable fear.

Everybody in my life gave the impression that I was just a lost cause. I knew that I was not. Fighting the world. I became really good at that.  I had too. No one fought for me. Held me. Loved me. Supported me. With all the pain that I have suffered, I had to utilise tools to survive. Tools to keep me safe. Tools to protect the little of myself that I had left.
The driving force and glimmer of hope that turned out to be my saving grace is that I am worth one final shot before I get lost forever. It would take something very special to lift me out if this place. Night after night I cried and I prayed in the vein hope that someone above could hear me and would respond.

Respond they did. The pleas and cries for help led me to The Foundations For Living and, like an angel holding out it’s hand, lifted me up, held me tight in a warm embrace. I started the journey of rehabilitation of my mind, body and soul. Rebuilding the wobbly foundations of my traumatic past.

I now rebuild the foundations of my life in a solid and positive structure. As I put all the pieces of my puzzle in the right places, my vision clears. With the unconditional love, support and guidance that I receive I can keep walking on a new path, no more causing dysfunction to myself or others. What a breath of fresh air. The feelings of peace reside deep in my soul. I can breathe. I am empowered to be who I am and what I am. I no longer need to seek love outside myself, as I know I have bundles inside to give to ‘me’. I have the freedom to speak my truth without fear of what others may say, do or think. It truly is safe to be me.  This path has demonstrated a totality of Peace, Freedom, Love and Abundance. Qualities I thought only existed in Heaven.